Saturday, 21 June 2014

Social Anxiety

S.A.D, Social Anxiety Disorder 
is what i'm going to talk about today.
But before I start with that, I would just like to say, yes, I haven't been posting
at all, and I would like to say i'm busy when i'm honestly just lazy,
i've been wanting to write this for a while now. To be fair though, I have like 3 drafts
about some personal things that I wanted to post but didn't,
 like one that explained about how the phrase
"Sticks and stone will break my bones, but words will never hurt me" is such bullshit and
another one about how my life was really going downhill. At some point,
hopefully I will get to finish those posts. But for now, I would
like to write about the things that I have recently discovered about myself.

First of all, I just realized i've been suffering with social anxiety 
for some time now without even knowing it and the fact that i'm
insecure doesn't help that a single bit. It just makes things much worse.
 I thought it was just my personality, being shy or something, I thought
I was just.. weird. But a youtuber made an Anxiety Q&A video and I didn't
feel like I was the only one anymore and that's how I realized I had S.A.D. It sucked honestly,
but it also cleared things up. Like how I have been so curious and scared
all the time. Recently, I had to change school drivers which meant new car,
and I had to sit in front because the driver thought it was better if I did because
its colder in front or whatever. Anyways, I'd always feel uncomfortable, not because of
the seat but because i'm constantly thinking about what the students sitting at
the back are thinking of me. Like "Why is she sitting like that?","She's so fat",
"She's occupying all the air-cond, how rude." or "Bitch, that was my seat".
Even though, I know that they're probably not even giving a fuck about
me but I just can't help it, even if they're sleeping, I'd think stuff like "Am I
sitting properly?" or "Do I even deserve sitting in front?". It's horrible.

That's not even all of it. When I talk to people i'm not comfortable with,
I'd always think about how i'm speaking or how my breathe smells etc.
Earlier this year, I had to order McDonalds Delivery and
that was my very first time. I may not be such a big deal to you but
it is for me. I couldn't stop panicking when the phone was ringing. Like what
if I order incorrectly or what if I stuttered? It went well luckily for me. And today
was my second time ordering for delivery by myself via phone. The call
was fine but when the food arrived earlier, I was panicking and I was running around
looking for my track pants because I was wearing shorts. I care too much of
what people think of me and it's so unhealthy. I can go on and on about all
the events where my heart would beat faster than normal when it shouldn't be,
but that's not what this post is about.

I'm trying to change.
I'm trying to make more friends, trying to be braver, trying to be
a better person. I've been recently trying to pray 5 times a day without
anyone telling me to like how a good muslim should,
and i'm proud to say that i've succeeded so far. I really
hope that would help with my depression and my anxiety.
Anyways, besides that, recently, I wrote a poem based on one of my,
friends, Liz. The poem isn't that good but
i'd say it's alright for my first time :-) Enjoy.

P.S : I've created a playlist of calm & chill songs that would hopefully give you good vibes, because
it sure does help me. I'm still not done adding all the songs yet but hopefully you'd like it.
♡click to listen♡

-Sabrina ☺