Saturday, 21 June 2014

Social Anxiety

S.A.D, Social Anxiety Disorder 
is what i'm going to talk about today.
But before I start with that, I would just like to say, yes, I haven't been posting
at all, and I would like to say i'm busy when i'm honestly just lazy,
i've been wanting to write this for a while now. To be fair though, I have like 3 drafts
about some personal things that I wanted to post but didn't,
 like one that explained about how the phrase
"Sticks and stone will break my bones, but words will never hurt me" is such bullshit and
another one about how my life was really going downhill. At some point,
hopefully I will get to finish those posts. But for now, I would
like to write about the things that I have recently discovered about myself.

First of all, I just realized i've been suffering with social anxiety 
for some time now without even knowing it and the fact that i'm
insecure doesn't help that a single bit. It just makes things much worse.
 I thought it was just my personality, being shy or something, I thought
I was just.. weird. But a youtuber made an Anxiety Q&A video and I didn't
feel like I was the only one anymore and that's how I realized I had S.A.D. It sucked honestly,
but it also cleared things up. Like how I have been so curious and scared
all the time. Recently, I had to change school drivers which meant new car,
and I had to sit in front because the driver thought it was better if I did because
its colder in front or whatever. Anyways, I'd always feel uncomfortable, not because of
the seat but because i'm constantly thinking about what the students sitting at
the back are thinking of me. Like "Why is she sitting like that?","She's so fat",
"She's occupying all the air-cond, how rude." or "Bitch, that was my seat".
Even though, I know that they're probably not even giving a fuck about
me but I just can't help it, even if they're sleeping, I'd think stuff like "Am I
sitting properly?" or "Do I even deserve sitting in front?". It's horrible.

That's not even all of it. When I talk to people i'm not comfortable with,
I'd always think about how i'm speaking or how my breathe smells etc.
Earlier this year, I had to order McDonalds Delivery and
that was my very first time. I may not be such a big deal to you but
it is for me. I couldn't stop panicking when the phone was ringing. Like what
if I order incorrectly or what if I stuttered? It went well luckily for me. And today
was my second time ordering for delivery by myself via phone. The call
was fine but when the food arrived earlier, I was panicking and I was running around
looking for my track pants because I was wearing shorts. I care too much of
what people think of me and it's so unhealthy. I can go on and on about all
the events where my heart would beat faster than normal when it shouldn't be,
but that's not what this post is about.

I'm trying to change.
I'm trying to make more friends, trying to be braver, trying to be
a better person. I've been recently trying to pray 5 times a day without
anyone telling me to like how a good muslim should,
and i'm proud to say that i've succeeded so far. I really
hope that would help with my depression and my anxiety.
Anyways, besides that, recently, I wrote a poem based on one of my,
friends, Liz. The poem isn't that good but
i'd say it's alright for my first time :-) Enjoy.

P.S : I've created a playlist of calm & chill songs that would hopefully give you good vibes, because
it sure does help me. I'm still not done adding all the songs yet but hopefully you'd like it.
♡click to listen♡

-Sabrina ☺

Saturday, 15 February 2014

Arizona Green Tea

Yesterday, I was suppose to
publish a draft I wrote on how much
the Internet meant to me because
yesterday was the 14th of Febuary
also known as Valentine's Day but I
got bored half way and stopped writting.
So today would be a short one since
nothing much happened to me today nor
yesterday. Anastacia & I had a skype sleepover 
(kinda failed tho because of the stupid wifi connection in my room) 
which was quite fun. 
But other than that, nothing much. 
I did add a pretty awesome long playlist to my blog tho.
I really like all the songs on it.
Super radical. I miss Eleene alot. 
I wish I could go to Lombok to see
her or she could just move back here
to Malaysia. I think she finally would
but it'd take time for them since
Aunty Etty would have to find a job
all by her own here. Oh, good news,
today I went to Subang Empire Shopping
Mall and went to Jaya Grocer to buy
Arizona tea and Cheetos. That was the
highlight of the day.
I can't wait to try the Arizona. 
Thats all for now, see you all later when I
 have something to update you guys with. 
Super psyched about Mayday Parade. Just 18 more days, ahhh.

-Sabrina ☺

Thursday, 13 February 2014

School & Friendships

Sigh, yesterday was quite a bad school day.
I have no idea whether it was just me or my surroundings. 
First of all, I was super tired & just shit went down from there. 
During art, my favourite lesson, I did really badly in my artwork, 
it was super messy and everything. I was in a bad mood during lunch and then there 
was sports practice where I had to go to deco team and come up with ideas but 
i'm really dumb so I practically was useless. 
Then when I came home my sister had to piss me off.

School. The inventor, Harry P. School, should know millions of teenagers 
kill themselves, hate themselves & obtain mental illnesses because of his creation, 
but he obviously doesn't care, he passed away and if he was still alive, 
money is what is on his mind.  School makes my life a living hell. 
Ever since I was 12, I extremely hated school. I hate the people who I meet there 
whom I can't trust when I thought I meant everything to them but 
they end up leaving me and forgetting me, totally betraying me. 
Even when I need them the most. I've gone through that process too many 
times that I know every step of a friendship that will sooner or later end. 
I'd have to say 2013 was the hardest year of my life. Not only that I had 
to move schools, start over and leave my friends but the incident happened 
& I started doing things I never thought I would ever do. 
I don't know where I would ever 
be without music and my best friend, April. She means the world to me, 
she keeps all my secrets and she will always be the one I trust and love. 
I'm just scared she would end up leaving me because she got bored of me 
and starts ignoring me just like 10 of my ex-best friends. I wouldn't be surprised 
if she did tho, I'm a disappointment to everyone, my parents, my friends 
and my family. Will I ever be happy? Will I ever find someone in real 
life who I can trust and go to when i'm giving up? Will I ever be happy 
with my looks? Will I ever be confident enough? Will I ever be accepted? 
I don't know but I really hope I find out the answers to those 
questions before god or I ends it. There's a million reasons why 
I hate school but i'm not gonna waste time on that.
The internet is a wonderful thing for me tho. I love Leonard 
Kleinrock for thinking up of the idea of it. That's all for now,
I really hope my life eventually gets better like they all say it does.

P.S: This was suppose to be published yesterday but I fell asleep earlier 
than I thought I would've


Wednesday, 12 February 2014

Concerts & Birthdays

Febuary 12, 2014.
The day this blog was created. This is my 5th blog and I really hope that I can maintain this because I always tend to forget to post & just completely fail.
Well, I will probably talk about my daily life or just ramble on really dumb things or rant or even discuss about how perfect a certain someone is.
On March 5th, I might be going to my very first concert for the band, Mayday Parade and I say 'might' because it really depends on my friend, Anastacia. 
And then on March 22nd, it would be the day that I was born in this 
cruel yet horrible world. If she doesn't go, I don't. 
Simple dimple. Super stoked tho.There would be a
concert/huge rave party called Life In Colours on the April 19th.
The day right after my sister's birthday. Anastacia invited me to go with her
but i'm not 100% sure my parents would give me permission to go.
Plus, its like RM 200 so like NOPE. Anyways, I have to do some homework now.
That's all for now, see ya later.
Hopefully, I would be able to update more tomorrow.